Narcissist, micromanager, control freak—they’re all terms for people that exercise an unnecessary level of control over another. They are overbearing and, in some cases, manipulative. The most sinister of them are intimidating oppressors. While that behavior is reprehensible, the seed of that attitude exists in all of us. We all want to exercise control over others and we do it in many ways, some of them quite subtle.
Some leverage logic to make another person’s viewpoint seem emotional and irrational. A person might be required to “explain herself” which automatically puts the interrogator in the position of control. A classic method of control is the use of body language, particularly with a disapproving look. Silence may also give the controller the upper hand she seeks. People do silly things like occupy a parking space or a restaurant table longer than normal when they know others are waiting for it. For a short time they have control and they want to hang on to it.
The inherent flaw (sin) in that reasoning is the assumption you deserve control, or the belief that it was earned by you. Of all people, the Christian should flee from this kind of behavior. God’s Word says, “What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?” (1 Cor. 4:7). The verse could just as easily ask the question, “Why do you embarrass her as if you are better?” Or, “Why do you punish him as if you deserve more?”
Any exemplary accomplishment you have achieved or any commendable trait that you possess was given to you by God. Mark 10:43-44 reads, “But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all.” Greatness is earned through servanthood. It is the antithesis of control. It involves submission, humility and a willingness to sacrifice your position of advantage.
In church we eagerly support the notion that “Our God is in the heavens; He does all that He pleases” (Ps. 115:3). “Whatever the Lord pleases, He does, in heaven and on earth, in the seas and all deeps” (Ps. 135:6). “But He is unchangeable, and who can turn Him back? What He desires, that He does” (Job 23:13). We sing the simultaneous truth of His greatness and our powerlessness—yet hang on to that offense just a bit longer.
If control is what you seek, focus your efforts on micromanaging yourself.
For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God (1 Thes. 4:3–5)
But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. (1 Cor. 9:27)
The control God commands you to exercise is self-control. In Galatians 5:23 He confirms that “against [self-control] there is no law.” Instead of looking to seize control or finding ways to hold onto it, put off those corrupted aspects of your old self. Instead, put on your new self that is created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness (Eph. 4:22-24).
Ask God to reveal to you the areas where you seek to sinfully gain or maintain control. As difficult as it may be, ask others to forgive you for selfishly trying to keep positions of advantage in an ungodly way. Ask God to help you put off the habit of controlling others and to put on the habit of exercising self-control. Perhaps this will be the start of a journey toward becoming a God-honoring, self-control freak.